“I escape into movies every day. I think it absorbs the pain.”


I’m going to start off with this magic quote from the latest film I’ve seen. Like, half an hour ago.

I have to say, I’ve always been a huge fan of Polish cinema (at some point a bit obsessed) but this one is beyond my expectations. I fell in love every minute giving into the story and graphics that would, eventually, absorb my pain. Surrender.

Ostatnia Rodzina (The last family) is a first (!!!) feature film directed by a young guy named Jan Matuszynski (b. 1984).

The film is actually based on reality; there was a real Zdzislaw Beksinski and he was a painter and photographer. But we don’t really know this until it’s too late. Until the whole story that was rolling under our eyes through funny yet unexpected events gets to a final point (it’s a 2h film) that

leaves me with no words to continue. Sorry. You’ll just have to see it for yourselves.

Transylvania International Film Festival (TIFF) 2017 is not surprising at all, not at all. I actually had high expectations and I’m always thrilled for the repertoire of the festival. Every. Single. Year. Without even knowing what it would look like, I have that feeling.

That feeling of living a surreal life through movies.

And on to the next one, so far, Polina (2016), a film that brings me back my all time girl crush, Juliette Binoche. God I love that woman. And I also love the theme of the movie – dance! This time, coming from Bolshoi and travelling all the way to France and Belgium, in search of the perfect way to express one’s body. And what could be more beautiful than watching improv and contemporary dance to ease your pain? If I close my eyes, I can imagine myself doing it.

Inferno (2014), on the other hand, is way closer to the reality of capitalism gone wrong. Both Slovenian director and writer work in theatre and the actors were, as well, theatre actors. What do you do in an impossible situation? How do you surrender, (mr. Eckhart Tolle) ? Awareness, consciousness or unconsciousness, extreme fear, despair, going from extreme suffering to (maybe) some kind of enlightenment? Unfortunately, this one story is everyone’s story. And I think our minds are not that open to accept and surrender to it. There were even people laughing during the movie. What twats! I wanted to say, but then I realised – this is the only way to respond, maybe. Or maybe not.

Well, at least Frantz (2016) was like a breath of fresh air.  Playing with colour and black and white to mark emotions and being in the moment was definitely the part I loved the most. Being grounded, falling in love and failing in love and the plot twist absolutely unbelievable. My intuition failed me this time (and it never does). This time, “it’s not what you think” worked too good.

That being said, I already missed a movie because the previous one was way longer than I expected, but it’s alright. There are 7 days left and a lot to see.


*chapter 6, where I remember

Why am I here – that’s a good question, well because
I remember that morning like it was yesterday you slept for two hours maybe then I came into your room I was looking for that hug again longing for it craving it knowing its all wrong but knowing its the only thing I need maybe you touched my left arm then you left for work and I knew I had to leave too
I remember that morning like it was yesterday because of the rain and the silence of its drops on the rooftops and the park was all green and fresh mixing up our breaths in the air going back to our homes with a strange question mark above our heads
will I ever see that room again

two weeks later I was back I remember that day asking myself wtf is love after all it’s like going back to school; the hibbie jibbies feeling; the under the covers when it’s dark and raining outside and there are homeless people out there for fuck’s sake and it’s like colouring a book outside the lines and from time to time thinking of how lucky you are but still the only thing that makes me feel like que ça colle it’s writing

#love series (5)

so wtf is love after all it’s like going back to school; the hibbie jibbies feeling; the under the covers when it’s dark and raining outside and there are fucking homless people out there and it’s like colouring a book outside the lines and from time to time thinking how lucky you are hibbie. 

going back just to smile at your clean scrubbed past like a blackboard wiped so many times jibbies. 

that’s just terrible isn’t it 


#love series -2

we all started out life whole and vital, eager for life’s adventures, but we all had a perilous pilgrimage through childhood. In fact, some wounding took place in the first few months of our lives. Think for a moment about the ceaseless demands of an infant. When an infant wakes up in the morning, it cries to be fed. (…) It signals distress the only way it knows – with an undiferentiated cry – and if the caretakers are perceptive enough, the infant is fed, changed, held and experiences momentary satisfaction. But if the caretakers can’t figure out what is wrong or if they withhold their attention for fear of spoiling the baby, the child experiences a primitive anxiety: the world is not a safe place. (H. Hendrix, Getting the love you want)

the world is now a safe place but sometimes the world is not a safe place here comes my love of books hiding in the attic reading the never ending story Bastian Batlhasar Bux 

#love series  -11

that green door opening every time your heart beats. wondering is it love? if it hurts. how do you like your women? rare medium rare.

when I came back to London, the sunset wasn’t on my side.  All of its red, pink, orange and purple were sneaking in through the opposite  windows. I wished I could have seen it, I think. Or maybe not. There was this blue on my side. Blue was ok to begin with. Green door on the other side. When I think about it, I see myself inside my mother’s womb and trust me, it’s not my fault I want to find that happiness again. With you, the Eros. The vital energy. Door opening and closing. Baby food. Spooning when we’re sleeping. Dead birds and cats and dogs; all the pets I had as a child disappeared like they weren’t even there. What’s on the other side of that door ?

#love series (2)

but what about that feeling you have when it suddenly hits you: giving so much love away, spreading love all around, emptying yourself and still feeling useless afterwords. when you realise you need that love back. giving it to the world but reaching for a balance somehow, somewhere. craving for mad love, basically for your love – of yourself – back. searching for it in others. The Other. the Almighty Other. Feeling ashamed for this craving but knowing you are entitled to it.

#love series (1)

That’s the problem, see, whenever I try to write something about it, my mind suddenly empties. Flashbacks of words and dashes and points – a certain rhythm inside me but still like a rock on the outside. Is language a problem? Does it stop the going with the flow? or is it too much going with the flow already? so much that it’s all transformed into cosmic energy and it doesn’t belong to me any more. I don’t belong to myself any more.