words belong to each other like people belong to books not like we used to
belong to each other in a past lifetime
I like to think of books as objects that smell of stale chocolate and a bit of dust. Like an old box of biscuits that’s now used to store
lost&found buttons, needles, pins, ribbons, broken crayons, chalk
an invisible collection of fantasias and sonatas from the 17th century
but that would be too much, wouldn’t it?
If my pain-body were a book, it would be a dictionary explaining
words like “heartbreak” “promise” “little princess” “love” because there are no dictionaries to explain them
there’s only silence and sounds in between
until you surrender: you are no longer your mind
and if it were that dictionary the gaps between the words would be coloured
by the unmanifested unwritten feelings of their “heartbreak” “promise” “little princess” “love”
my pain-body is still here making itself comfortable he doesn’t mind the gaps he never did although I shout at him with silence
and splashes of yellow blue pink purple cover the pages
it is still here, unborn like a fetus
so I will have eventually to abort
Not going to write too much about it, because I’ve just started it, but what’s funny is that I can already blame it on communism. It was in those days that I was born, and because of the communism, my mom had to go back to work when I was only 3 months old. And when I say had to – it was mandatory. She was working 6 days a week. The mother – child bonding was interrupted when it was mostly needed, leaving me with this lack of attention and care that now gives me no option but to learn how to parent myself.
Give yourself love, you need it. No one else is going to be your parent, stop thinking it should be your partner. No partner, no problem. This journey’s going to be easy peasy! It’s not going to be a selfish one, but it is going to bring me back to myself.
Love to all of you out there looking for it!
J.L. Borges said it better, anyway:
“After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.”
― Jorge Luis Borges
i remember that morning like it was yesterday you slept for two hours maybe then i came into your room I was looking for that hug again longing for it craving for it knowing its all wrong but knowing its the only thing i need
maybe you touched my left arm then you left for work and i knew i had to leave too
i remember that morning like it was yesterday
the park was all green and fresh mixing up our alcohol breaths in the air going back to our homes with a strange question mark above our heads
will i ever see that room again
two weeks later i was back i remember that day
“you need to find a career didi that’s what you need” I can’t I belong to so many places so many things and so many times in history
I belong to Bach’s rhythms forms and textures
I belong to the hippie jeans of the 70s I belong to Warsaw after the war
for being small particles of dust spread all over the universe and the only thing that makes me feel like que ça colle it’s writing
so wtf is love after all it’s like going back to school; the hibbie jibbies feeling; the under the covers when it’s dark and raining outside and there are fucking homless people out there and it’s like colouring a book outside the lines and from time to time thinking how lucky you are hibbie.
going back just to smile at your clean scrubbed past like a blackboard wiped so many times jibbies.
coffee has a different name every morning today I’m gonna call it butter&jam and who knows tomorrow / christmas cards pagan cookies the winter solstice. sun standing still for the shortest day of the year, standing still at the end of the 29th year on earth this Tuesday and then.
coffee will take another name on Wednes-day of woden, day of Mercury.